Are you a touron? Take our quiz
Are you are that worst all of tourists: A Touron? Are you culturally sensitive and restrained when it's appropriate? Or are you an abrasive loudmouth who causes your fellow travellers to wince with embarrassment even as you delight in your misguided existence? Take our quiz to find out:
1. You are at the statue of the Little Mermaid in Copenhagen. Do you:
a) Enjoy a brief reverie on childhood memories of the works of Hans Christian Andersen, and marvel at the simple yet expressive craftsmanship of sculptor Edvard Eriksen? b) Muse on the effect of saltwater and harsh weather on bronze, and conclude the works of man are all folly? c) Run up to it and grab it by the boobs, or proudly thrust out your own boobs by way of comparison? In both instances a goggly-eyed giggling buffoon of a mate joins you for a selfie. Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
2. You are on a walking tour of Vienna. An enthusiastic Austrian tour guide is expounding on the genius of Mozart, and the tumultuous times he lived in. Do you:
a) Nod appreciatively at this testament to a man who composed his first music at the age of five, and who, more than 220 years after his death, remains a foremost exponent of his art form. b) Start thinking about that bakery you passed earlier. Managing to disregard all conventional forms of calorie calculation, you arrive at the conclusion that this walk has earned you at least a double helping of Sachertorte chocolate cake? c) During a brief pause in the guide's talk, you audibly mumble: "None of it makes up for Hitler."? Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
3. Due to a series of unfortunate misunderstandings while shopping for a memento, you find yourself in prison in El Salvador. You are not guilty. Mostly. Do you:
a) Turn your case into an international cause célèbre, bringing the full weight of the British government and then the European Union to bear on the government in San Salvador, gaining not only your freedom, but a significant reform of the country's judicial system? b) Start teaching English language literacy classes to the other inmates to pass the time. So successful are these, that years later you discover one of your pupils has risen to the top of a drugs empire in the US, mostly due to his careful understanding of the American penal code? c) Convince yourself you've realised "the way things are run around here" in prison and join the Mara Salvatrucha gang, immediately getting MS-13 tattooed on both your kneecaps. Some years later your mother recognises your now heavily inked face in an article on prison warfare while reading a copy of National Geographic in the waiting room of a Surrey dentist. She turns the page. Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
4. You are visiting a Buddhist monastery in Cambodia. A solemn ceremony is taking place and the glorious smell of incense fills the air. Do you:
a) Appreciate the apparent ceremonial simplicity of their faith, but think that its relative moral ambivalence is a drawback? b) Decide you are going to become a Buddhist once you are back home, thus escaping the cruel desert god of your upbringing, but also to project an annoying sense of spiritual well-being to all your friends and colleagues? Note: you will never really understand the faith, having only read one book on it, and that was by a Californian. c) Give in to the terrible and overwhelming urge to smack a young monk on his shaven crown, shouting "SLAP HEAD!". The sound of this is rapidly added to as several dozen monks begin slapping you violently in return. You are deported. In chains. Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
5. You are in Pakistan, visiting the vibrant and extraordinary city of Karachi. After sampling the amazing street food and spending some time battling with stall holders over prices in the frenetic Empress Market, you take a stroll. Rounding a corner, you find a small but angry crowd burning a US flag over some slight, real or imagined. Do you:
a) Turn and head back to your hotel. Whatever the issue is, you want no part of it and the locals you've met have all been nice people anyway. b) Watch while reflecting on the certainty that the flag was actually made in China and that the free flow of trade is one thing that could bring peace to the troubled parts of the world? c) Join in, shouting stuff about George W. Bush, even though he's not the current American president. You are filmed by a TV crew who sell the footage to Fox News. You are identified and banned from visiting the US forever, and from watching the Superbowl, even if it's just on Channel 4. Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
6. You are visiting the Jingdezhen Ceramics Museum in China's Jiangxi Province. You have chosen, rather oddly, to listen to A$AP Rocky's latest fine album of rapping on your headphones while doing so. Entering a room full of utterly priceless and exquisite Yuan Dynasty vases - do you:
a) Decide discretion is the better part of valour and switch your music to that collection of choral work by Sibelius you have been meaning to listen to for about three years? b) Manage to match the urban Harlem, New York, beats of Mr Rocky with the skillful workmanship of 14th century Chinese artisans, and realise that care and precision are the preserve of no one single culture, but of the entire human race? c) These vases are valuable. And Mr Rocky likes money. You start to feel that energy, that attitude and on a particularly spectacular break-down, you bust a move. You also bust a vase. An alarm bell rings. The People's Armed Police arrive. They apparently want to bust a cap in your a$$. A curator tells you that the vase was 600 years old and worth around $6 million. You tell her: "Lucky it wasn't a new one then." Answer: a) 1 point b) 2 points c) 13 points
You have ambassadorial levels of understanding. You are the reason the rest of the world thinks Britain is Downton Abbey.
Up to 12 points:
You have moments of brilliance, but you're a little self-centred. I'd stick to southern Europe for a bit, they'll loosen you up.
Above 12 points:
You could start a fight in a empty Taiwanese lift on a Sunday. Your best method of travel is in the cargo hold. On a flight that returns due to technical problems.