I know. You think Florida's great, you think it's all just so wonderful. Well, you don't know what I know. You don't know the horrors and heartaches that await. But you will, oh yes, so read on, if you dare...

1. Sunshine

cat with sunglasses

Oh sure, it sounds great, but it’s actually rife with issues. Firstly, you have to find sunglasses that suit your face and let me tell you, not every head was made for shades. Then you have to find a sun hat that looks least ridiculous, and that, friends and neighbours, is an even harder feat.

You’d think that would be where your sun-riddled problems would end, but you’d be wrong. You’ve then got to get sandals that make your feet look cute. And shorts that don’t amplify the milk-bottle hue of your legs.

And don’t get me started on the pitfalls of swimwear.

I mean, you see where I'm going with this right? The Florida sunshine is a menace and you just won’t be able to find the right attire for it.

And you know what that means? Yes, people laughing at you. Not even hiding it but pointing and chuckling in groups on streets. It’s just not worth it.

2. Mickey Mouse and His Friends Are Everywhere

Walt Disney

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So ok, we all love a bit of Disney. Yes, even you at the back, even you can’t help tapping your foot and snapping your fingers to 'The Bare Necessities' song, so don’t give me that look.

Anyway, what with us all being huge fans, Florida is, of course, the place to be and a chance to visit the House of Mouse. But tread carefully fellow fans, because amid the joy and dancing, there’s a dark side…

The problem is, there’s so much fun to be had, so many bright colours and wonderful experiences and alarmingly catchy songs that you might just find yourself endangering your wellbeing…that smile you’ve had on your face for six hours straight? Yeah, there’s a chance it will stick. Which might be a problem when you’re back home and your child’s crying over their dead goldfish.

And the joy you feel as you wander around Mickey’s homeland might morph into a bad case of optimism, before you know it you’re back home and leaving the house without an umbrella or saying things like ‘of course the bus will be on time you nervous Nellie!’

I'm just saying, with all that Disney-fuelled fun there’s bound to be some backlash. The happy, all singing, all dancing sort, so just mind your step ok?

3. The Villas Are A Bit Too Lovely 

villa

Well, they are. But that’s the problem, they’re much too Instagramable and waaaaaaaay too nice to leave. In fact, fairly often me and the team have to plead with people to pack up and head home because their family have filed missing person reports. 

It’s ridiculous really. If you make villas this nice then of course people are going to get all starry-eyed and cling to the edge of the azure pools and refuse to leave like some mad, bipedal, limpet….

4. There's Just Not Enough To Do

boy in sea on rubber ring

I mean, it’s fine if you like this kind of thing. You know, National Parks and Botanical Gardens and Theme Parks and Safaris and Space Centers and Museums and Hogwarts and Legoland and the one thousand other things that are on offer.

But apart from that, it’s pretty quiet.

5. The Wildlife Is Pretty Dull...

childs toy

I mean, sure, you can snorkel with Manatees in their natural environment or go and see Turtles trundling around the beach, as well as a whole host of other creatures minding their own business but…well, let’s be totally honest here, you’re still not going to get half as much enjoyment from that as you will your Tamagotchi. I mean, you watched that little guy grow! You’ve nurtured and loved him, and he never regards you with a look of disdain right…right? 

6. They Aren't Very Generous With Their Food...

man leering at pie

Well they aren’t. It might look like a lot, but they haven’t accounted for the fact that there’s bound to be a midnight snack attack later on, or that everyone knows breakfast is always better when it’s reheated leftovers (I said reheated, I’m not an animal).

So, whilst the pancake stacks and key lime pies and smoked fish all seems to arrive in pretty hearty portions, there’s a distinct lack of attention to detail when it comes to snack attacks and breakfasts. Needless to say, it’s no place for Hobbits.

7. There's Absolutely No Peace And Quiet Anywhere...

sleeping seal

Beach after beach of nothing but gently lapping waves, gardens where the only sound is beautiful bird song, and long walking trails where the wind whistling is the only soundtrack you’ll ever need.

So, it begs the question why is the sea and wind and the birds so ruddy noisy? Where can you find genuine peace and quiet? Space? Do you really have to go that far for absolute silence?

It’s ridiculous. Florida should really buck its ideas up and offer people some proper quiet time. 

8. And Who Can Really Eat That Many Oranges Anyway?

turtle made out of an orange

So maybe you don’t know but Florida does so love its oranges. By love I mean it’s got more oranges than you can swing a satsuma at, and so you’re always just a pitcher away from that sweet, sun-coloured nectar…

Well just back up a moment and think about this. Have you any idea how quaffable fresh orange juice is? Do you want to look like you’ve been Tangoed? I’m not saying it’s likely, I’m saying these are the nightmares that keep me up at night.

So there you are. Florida, what a farce it all is. Oh right, fine, you want to abandon your Tamagotchi and gallivant off to Orange Land? Sure, fine, no don’t let me stop you...