We know it’s a controversial one, but after many years in the industry and with a healthy love of travel, it’s our firm belief that Italy isn’t worth your time as a holiday destination.

Don’t believe us? No problem, here are 5 reasons why you should avoid Italy and trust us, by the time we’re done you’re going to have a whole new outlook.

1 The Art Is Too Saucy


Italy is rife with wonderful museums, like the highly specilised Museo Egizio which showcases astonishing Egyptian artwork, and of course the incredible Vatican Museum where you’ll see glorious pieces including Rodin's ‘Thinker’ as well as the Sistine Chapel.

Other galleries highlight the best of Renaissance art, such as the Gallerie Degli Uffizi and it’s here the problems set in. These beautiful, historical and awe-inspiring artworks are simply too good for the likes of you and me. We’re all too immature. While we should be commenting on the brush strokes and the context the art was created in, all we can really do is point and giggle at the bottoms on display.

No, we’re just not grown up enough and we’ll only embarrass ourselves and the poor Italian people who have the job of witnessing our juvenile behaviour.

It’s for the best we just stay at home, at least until we can get a hold of ourselves.

2 You Can Wave Your Enjoyment Of Coffee Goodbye


Picture it, Monday morning and you’re at work, slightly hungover and very much ready for Friday despite it being only 9:03am. But there is of course one saving grace: coffee. The bountiful bean of brewage has saved you before and no doubt it will save you again, brightening your mood and dancing across your taste buds like the little gem it is.

Well those days are over. Because after you’ve sipped freshly ground coffee while sitting in some idyllic Italian piazza, there’s simply no going back. Coffee back home will never taste the same again, the view outside your office window won’t beat the stunning views you’ll find outside some quaint Italian restaurant and those Monday mornings will go from awful to abhorrent in a heartbeat.

Do you really want to taste the delight of Italian coffee only to have your home-based brew ruined forever?

We’re just saying if you play stupid games you get stupid prizes…

3 Hiking In The Cinque Terre Is Dangerous


Oh yes. Call us nervous-nellies if you will, but mark our words, a trip to the Cinque Terre is the worst idea since Frodo said ‘Head to Mordor? Sounds like a dream, pass me that ring, will you?’.

You see, the five villages which make up this stunning part of Italy; Monterosso al Mare, Vernazza, Corniglia, Manarola and Riomaggiore are all utterly beautiful in their own ways. With their colourful houses and their magical sea views, it’s easy to see why people fall in love with this part of Italy and especially those who enjoy a hike.

Well stop right there my friend. Put down the hiking boots, drop the sun cream and just THINK for a second.

You see, we know how this story goes. First you’re on holiday for a week and enjoying a few hikes around the Cinque Terre, but then when you realise how jaw-droppingly beautiful it all is and how much more there is to explore, you’re booking another week, and then another, and guess who gets the exasperated calls from your mothers?

Us. We do. While we’re trying to tell your dear ole mum that you’ve fallen in love with Italy’s natural beauty, you’re off galivanting around and snapping ever more delightful photos.

Well, not on our watch. We’ve got enough admin to do without telling Janine that her darling Kevin might be a tad late for dinner…

4 You Will Instantly Become Unfashionable


There’s a reason the Italians are some of the most stylish people in the world and it’s because many of the most incredible fashion brands originated there, including Gucci, Prada and Donatella. So as you can imagine, when it comes to snappy dressing, most of the locals have got it down to an art.

And then along comes you. Sure, you probably looked alright back home, but here in the land of sophistication and selfies, you just look silly.

Don’t do it, just take your socks in sandals look and stay in the back garden, it really is the best for everyone.

5 The Food Is Too Good And You Will Not Be Able To Resist


Well you won’t. There’s a reason Italian food is hailed as one of the best cuisines in the world and rest assured, when you have authentic Italian food in an actual Italian restaurant, it’s going to be very hard to turn down second and third helpings.

From exquisite fresh pasta dishes, rich buco alla Milanese and the ever-delightful Tiramisu, you will be utterly spoilt for choice when it comes to food.

Your task when surrounded by all this wonder is to not pile your plate embarrassingly high when told to ‘help yourself’. No matter how much you want to attack all the sumptuous delicacies surrounding you it is paramount you keep your dignity and remind yourself that you are a civilised human being and not a child at its first party…

And the thing is, we’re just not sure you’re up to it. The food’s too good and you’re going to be too dazzled.

So stay home and make use of the emergency spaghetti hoops will you? It’s truly for your own good.

Oh but you want to go down swinging do you? Fine, go ahead and book a holiday villa in Italy, see if we care...