We didn’t want to be the ones to tell you this, we really didn’t, but if we don’t then who will?

The fact of the matter is this: Italy is an icky place and to consider holidaying there is an insane idea. You’re probably thinking ‘What? But, Italy is great! Italy’s got it all!’

Well, dear friends and esteemed colleagues, you’re wrong, so wrong and here are 4 reasons why.

1: Old and Dusty Ruins

Colosseum

Seriously, it seems you can’t move for all the ancient places and historical sites when you’re in Italy. You’d think someone would take the time to do a bit of a refurbishment, perhaps add some linoleum flooring, break out the Mr Sheen, but no, apparently in Italy you can step right back into the past.

Take the Colosseum, for example, that structure has been standing since 80 AD! And has anyone thought of updating the décor? Giving it a lick of paint? No, not one bit of it. The Colosseum stands as a solid reminder of the past and you can even go on tours and discover its long and incredible heritage.

 And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s also The Duomo, The Pantheon, and Pisa's Leaning Tower to name just a few other dusty places. Sites which date back centuries and remain in an astonishing state of preservation.

And yes, to be honest, visiting these places and listening to tour guides is all very interesting, but the moment you mention adding some net curtains or sprinkling a few lava lamps around and suddenly no one seems to have very much to say.

It boggles the mind frankly.

2: You’ll Be Hungover

kangeroo

Ok, so the thing about Italy is that it’s brilliant for foodies. ‘What’s wrong with that!?’ we hear you cry. Well, it’s dangerously brilliant. Especially when you start to dabble in that most mysterious of liquids: wine. Oh yes, Italian wine is good, irresponsibly good really. Take the famous Tuscany Chianti, possibly one of the greatest wines in the world, one glass of that is lovely. But how can you stop at one glass when it’s so very tasty?

What bright spark decided to make something so monumentally quaffable?

And the dangers continue of course, what about the tangy taste of Limoncello? Or the bright alluring Aperol? Italy has just done beverages too well and you’re bound to wake to beautiful Italian sunshine one morning and make one of mankind’s most prevailing and longstanding promises: ‘Never again’.

3: You Might Get into A Star-Crossed Situation

cat

Ever heard of Romeo and Juliet? If not, think ‘Twilight’ but without all the sparkly vampire nonsense and none of the convenient happy ending. Got it? Good.

Well, if you head to Verona you can see Juliet’s balcony, a beautiful little structure that you can well imagine being the backdrop of one of the most well-known love stories of all time.

Unsurprisingly, it’s a place that many lovestruck couples head to in order to declare their undying love to each other, no doubt accompanied by sickly hyperbole and gooey-eyed stares. Like Valentine’s day but an eternal one (shudder).

You might think this is fine. In fact, it is. But there’s one major drawback.

If you haven’t got a significant other, then you can’t enjoy this site in quite the same way. And it turns out if you take your cat and start telling him how much he means to you then three things happen:

1: Your darling cat blinks at you in that slow, bored, manner of the eternally put-upon and remains frustratingly silent on the matter.

2: People stare and start finding the floor very interesting.

3: The cat, embarrassed, leaves.

It’s true….it happened to a friend of mine…

4: Venice…Need We Say More?

kids playing pirates

Venice, the Italian city on water. Well it all sounds very well doesn’t it, but one ride on a gondola surrounded by all that beauty and your world as you know it is over sadly. You’ll decide this is the life for you, a semi-aquatic existence where your eyes are forever on stalks to take in all the beauty and you insist on being called Commodore. Before the week is out you’re on Amazon trying to purchase a parrot and using phrases like ‘shiver me timbers’ even though no one in the history of the world has ever said that.

We’ve lost employees this way, too much in love with their new watery existence. It’s yet another place we can’t send people.

So thanks a lot Italy.

disgust

So you see, from the litany of historical sites to the wonderful wine to the potential of being stood up by a cat, Italy is just an icky, dangerous, irresponsible place to go and we highly suggest you steer clear.

But if you MUST learn the hard way then we do have some rather nice properties…